Saturday, 27 December 2014

Lessons in Life #1 - Don't laugh at a funeral

Recently I learnt a very important lesson, and that is, that it's highly inappropriate to laugh at a funeral. It's not my fault - honest ( it never is )!

I totally blame a good friend of mine, not mentioning names, but they know who they are, and also the inventor of the auto correct predictive text.

It all started when my good friend hurt themselves so being the kind caring person I am I suggested that they put a bag of dozen peas on their injury to calm the swelling, yes you read that right, this time I did intentionally put that, but at the time I meant frozen peas.
Obviously they wanted to know what good 12 peas would do, I have no idea, I am not medically or botanically trained but I do know laughter is the best medicine, and thus the day was then spent with pea related jokes being passed back and forth.

The next day I sadly had to attend a funeral. It was a lovely ceremony, the Reverend made things light hearted telling stories about the deceased which was all fine and dandy, unfortunately he had a bit of an accent, so some of his words where slightly mispronounced and misinterpreted. Things were going so well until near the end, when he wished peas on earth and peas be with you. At this point my mother and I burst into tears and started shaking uncontrollably, no not with grief, but with laughter. My dad shot us both a look and we just sat there feeling like 2 naughty school children waiting for assembly to be over !

All I can say is that I am glad there was no mention of a potato - but that's a whole different story!!

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Single At Christmas - Bah Humbug!

Normally I love Christmas, but I feel a little different about it this year. Why? well I separated from my husband 4 months ago so this year is my first Christmas on my own in over 13 years, yes I'll have family around on Christmas Day and will spend it being surrounded by people who love me, but I have a feeling that I'm still going to feel so lonely.

The culmination of this years events have led me to spend today crying my heart out, and to make things worse, my favourite Christmas songs just seem to be rubbing my face in it. So let's analyse them shall we?

Mud says - Try to imagine a house that's not  a home,
Try to imagine a Christmas all alone
Well mate - My house is slowly falling apart so it's not technically a home at the moment, and I don't need to imagine a Christmas all alone, because I'm having one!

Mr Noddy Holder of Slade asks - Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall?
Hell no!!!! - Don't you know it's taken me the best of part of 8 months to sodding well decorate my living room, I'll be damned if I'm putting pin holes into my nice new wallpaper!

Wizard wishes it could be Christmas everyday! - Pass me the anti depressants now, it's made me feel a little bit sad and lonely this year so I couldn't cope with having Christmas every day.

Darlene Love sang - Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas, well it looks like I'm a big fat nobody* then, because hey guess what - I am alone this Christmas!

Shakin' Stevens said - Time for parties and celebrations
People dancing all night long
Time for presents
and exchanging kisses
Time for singing Christmas songs
Well sorry Shakey - I'm not in the mood to party, and there's nothing much to celebrate, as for presents and exchanging kisses, it'll probably just be a case of exchanging presents in the Boxing Day sales and actually getting something I really want for Christmas!

Michael Bolton sings Have yourself a merry Little Christmas - why don't you feck off?

He then makes another appearance on my playlist saying -
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why - go on then, tell me why I shouldn't cry, I can if I bloody well want to. Like I said earlier, why don't you just feck off!

I think The Pogues sum things up perfectly - You scumbag you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, happy your arse I pray God it's our last!**

I could go on and on and on and on, there's about 100 songs on my playlist but I think you kind of get the idea about just how a first Christmas alone can make people feel. Despite my current mood, I do wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas, and would encourage you to drop an old friend or family member an email, text or message, just to let them know they are thought about at this time of year.

* I would like to state that I am not a big fat nobody owing to the fact I lost a lot of weight this year!!
** I would like to point out that it is an amicable split, and he wasn't  a scumbag, maggot or faggot!