She's shrunk in her old age ( A.K.A Kids say the funniest things part 5 )

Oh my goodness, it's been over 2 years since I last posted an episode of "kids say the funniest things", so I think it's about time I shared a few more with you.

Like the time when I was filling in Squiggle's reward chart, I asked him if he had been good, and he said yes mummy up until the point I wasn't....... I couldn't argue with that!

Or the time he asked for sanitary towels so he could go on stage, just because an advert said he needed them... I'm so glad the old tampon advert isn't still on, because he would be thinking he needed some of them to go roller skating!

Then there was the random conversation whilst we were watching an episode of 'Are You Being Served?' about why Captain Peacock was called Captain Peacock when he wasn't a peacock, I said I didn't know to which Squiggle replied oh OK, well I've got sweaty balls! and walked away - my friend and I just sat bewildered, WTF goes through my child's mind?

It gets worse, one day he grabbed a pillow and a blanket and set about making a bed on the floor, I asked if he was going to have a little sleep, do you know what he said? - well I'll tell you - he said "I'm not going to sleep, I'm just lying on the floor to look at the cats bum!" why?, just why?. I just walked away and left him to it.

It's no wonder I walk around feeling like I'm in some sort of Twilight Zone, when this is what I have to deal with. I don't know where he gets half of the stuff he says from, my mum and grandma are convinced Squiggle has been here before. That doesn't mean that they get let off with Squiggle's thoughts, oh no, he's even given The Granny a great deal of thought - I've been thinking, aliens grow really tall when they get old, and humans get smaller. So Great Grandma must be a human because she's shrunk in her old age!

As usual, please feel free to post your own "kids say the funniest" story below, I love to hear what other children are saying.

My 5 quick fixes to a tidier home

I hate cleaning, so I know I'm never going to win the Housewife of the Year award, my house is cluttered with odds and sods, I'll admit to moving the mess around to dust and vacuum and then moving the mess back but at least I know it's clean.

So I'm going to share my top 5 tips for a quick fix when guests announce they will be popping over. These tips don't work if they land on your doorstep, you do need a good 5 - 10 minutes notice!

1. Vacuum 
A clean carpet can make a great difference to a somewhat cluttered room, it makes it look and smell cleaner than it actually might be.

2. Dust
Quickly dust the focal points in the room. The area by the TV is my main dust collecting area, it needs doing every day, sometimes twice, also do the mantel piece and the edges of any mirrors.

3. Box it
If you have time, grab a box and put the clutter in it, then hide the box in another room - preferably one that your guests won't be going near, such as your own bedroom or the pantry.

4. Cover it up
Throws and blankets are brilliant, I shove everything into a corner and then put a blanket over it, I then pass it off as Squiggles den!

5. Dim the lights
If all else fails and your visitors are coming at night, then turn off your lights, use candles to create a calming and peaceful ambiance, after all if it's dark, you can't see the mess!

So these are my quick fixes, what are yours?

Lessons in Life #1 - Don't laugh at a funeral

Recently I learnt a very important lesson, and that is, that it's highly inappropriate to laugh at a funeral. It's not my fault - honest ( it never is )!

I totally blame a good friend of mine, not mentioning names, but they know who they are, and also the inventor of the auto correct predictive text.

It all started when my good friend hurt themselves so being the kind caring person I am I suggested that they put a bag of dozen peas on their injury to calm the swelling, yes you read that right, this time I did intentionally put that, but at the time I meant frozen peas.
Obviously they wanted to know what good 12 peas would do, I have no idea, I am not medically or botanically trained but I do know laughter is the best medicine, and thus the day was then spent with pea related jokes being passed back and forth.

The next day I sadly had to attend a funeral. It was a lovely ceremony, the Reverend made things light hearted telling stories about the deceased which was all fine and dandy, unfortunately he had a bit of an accent, so some of his words where slightly mispronounced and misinterpreted. Things were going so well until near the end, when he wished peas on earth and peas be with you. At this point my mother and I burst into tears and started shaking uncontrollably, no not with grief, but with laughter. My dad shot us both a look and we just sat there feeling like 2 naughty school children waiting for assembly to be over !

All I can say is that I am glad there was no mention of a potato - but that's a whole different story!!

Little Miss Muffet - alternative verses for kids!

So Squiggle came home today singing Little Miss Muffet, and of course he asked what curds and whey were, being the very intelligent mother that I am, I told him it was something to do with cheese. After a quick look on t'internet I found out that it was similar to cottage cheese.
Squiggle asked why didn't the song just say she was eating cheese. I said then it wouldn't rhyme.

Cue a long list of different versions of Little Miss Muffet. These had Squiggle in stitches and I'd like to share them with you!

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet

eating a bowl of cheese,

Along came a spider and sat down beside her

and started to tickle her knees!

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet

eating a loaf of bread,

Along came a spider he crawled up beside her

and started to dance on her head!

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet

eating something yum,

Along came a spider and sat down beside her

and started to pinch her bum!

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet

eating a piece of toast,

Along came a spider and sat down beside her

and said eurgh you've got a bogey up your nose!

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet

eating a bowl of jelly,

Along came a spider and sat down beside her

and said goodness gracious me, you've got a big belly!

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet

eating a joint of meat

Along came a spider and sat down beside her

and said phew, you've got smelly feet!

*Thanks to mycutegraphics.com for the images

Uh oh, they're at it again!! ( A.K.A Kids say the funniest things part 4 )

The more I share my funny stories with friends the more I get told about their children, so here is a little collection of anecdotes from friends, feel free to add your own funny stories in the comment box and they might make the next edition!!!

Firstly Squiggle has been using his initiative. We went out the other day and had set off down the street. When we got to the bottom of the hill he asked if the big building with lots of windows was a hotel. I told him it was an old peoples home and explained that when people got old and needed looking after they would sometimes move to an old peoples home. "Hmmm" said Squiggle his mind clearly thinking about this, "Shouldn't daddy live there now - he's old"!!!!

Last month Squiggle had gone shopping with my auntie and grandma, whilst at the checkout he exclaimed that he needed the toilet and set off. My grandma followed him and saw him talking to a member of staff at the toilet door. What are you doing? they asked - "Going to the toilet" he replied. "Where's your daddy?" - "He's at work", "Where's your mummy?" - "Oh she's at home in bed!!!" - Please bear in mind this was at dinner time, and believe me I was up - honestly!!!

Next a friend of mine was telling me about how her 4 year daughter had caught sight of her in the bath and had innocently asked "Mummy why do your boobies point down and mine point up? will mine go like that when I'm older?"

Thanks to Kelly for this one.

Evie says the funniest things. Latest is that as you know she's a little blondie and I have dark hair, I said to her that when she gets older she may well go dark and look more like me to which she replied 'I'm not being racist but I really don't like dark hair, I'm staying blonde'  She once said 'Mom you know those people who don't eat meat, what are they called, lesbitarions? Well I'm not one of them as I like chicken nuggets' I couldn't stop laughing xxx

Thanks to Nancy for this one

My son Aaron told me that the titanic was sunk by an ice cube and he also says he is handbdextrous not ambidextrous ( as in both handed).

Thanks to Josie for this one

Molly said to me on way to playgroup on Friday in the car grandma look I've got 4 fingers up I said I can't look I'm driving I've got to keep my eyes on the road, she said grandma your eyes don't go on the road they stay in your head you mean you have to look at the road!! Well that put me straight didn't it!

Kerrie over at Wife Mum Student Bum had this to say:
Alice (2) said yesterday "Mummy you have a big tummy don't you...have you got a baby in there?" Cheeky bugger x

Emma at Emma's Little World
We were in Devon last week on holiday on and went crabbing. When we got one Ben put it into the bucket and said, he jumped in quickly cos he thought it was the proper sea!! And it wasn't the proper sea, it was my sea in the bucket!!


Thanks to Tim for this one:
On a drive to our local Tesco and whilst stuck behind an elderly couple... I may have muttered something along the lines of "bloody old people, get a move on". During the same trip to Tesco, whilst doing our shop. A lovely elderly couple were cooing over the boys, when our Callum chirps up with the line "bloody old people, get a move on". I nearly dropped through the floor with embarrassment.


Thanks to everybody for their input, please feel free to add your own stories via the comment box, on my Facebook page or email me. I look forward to hearing what your little one's have been saying!

Innuendo Bingo or Cake, Anyone?

I've taken to having the odd dabble at bingo on a Tuesday night, but alas my luck hasn't turned up to win me a cash prize. However today I have won giggles and embarrassment whilst unwittingly playing innuendo bingo. A friend hinted she would like a cake for her birthday, she had seen a minion from Despicable me, dressed in pink dungarees and a tutu, so I said I wouldn't mind having a go at making it for her.

This is what she wants! - I have not made this.

My first problem was I needed a small tin, so whilst looking for a cake tin, I was offered an 8 inch but said I would be happy with just a 4 inch, cue stunned silence followed by sudden realisation of what was said.

HOUSE!!!!

I did manage to find a small enough cake tin but was worried that she would be disappointed as it wouldn't be as grand as the one she'd seen, so I was about to text my friend and ask if she would be happy with a 6" 1 eyed minion, but had to stop myself because the tears had started to roll down my face!

HOUSE!!!

This was all done before teatime, and without the influence of alcohol, who knows what I'm going to be like later!!!

I Just Smiled Politely, Paid & Left! ( A.K.A kids say the funniest things part 3 )

I've had a couple of moments over the past week when I've just wished the ground would open up and swallow me, all courtesy of my darling son.

First we went to put petrol in the car at the supermarket in town. I filled the car up and took Squiggle inside to pay where he took one look at the lady serving and shouted at her - "Why are you sad? Why don't you smile? Why you not happy?"  I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me but instead I just smiled politely, paid and left. I'm not mentioning which supermarket it is, but they have a reputation around here for having slow and miserable staff. I hope she smiles next time.

Next we went into a shop in town. The person behind us in the queue was a cross dresser. Squiggle took one look and asked " Why are you wearing a dress?, Are you a man or a girl? Do you have a tail? ( willy )" I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow, but instead I just smiled politely, paid and left!

Finally we were in the toilets in the shopping centre, having to share a cubicle as I didn't want him wandering off, and unfortunately it was that time of the month, Squiggle caught sight of my knickers as I was taking a pee, "Mummy, why you got a nappy? are you a baby? I'm not a baby I'm a big boy, You wear nappies, you wear nappies" well yes you've guessed it, I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me, but instead I flushed, smiled politely at the strangers queuing, washed my hands and left!

Dinosaur Tourettes

I left the other half to look after Squiggle today, when I returned he was in a bemused state, I asked what was wrong. He said Squiggle had been playing out, stomping, roaring and saying "I'm dinosaur tourettes!"

 I had to point out that he meant dinosaur T-Rex!

'Not For Human Consumption'

I recently ordered a sample of cat food off the internet for Leo which arrived this morning. It was covered in messages stating 'Not For Human Consumption'

This got me pondering about what type of people would order free samples of cat food or any pet food for that matter to eat themselves!

I am a bit of a "cat woman" myself, they seem to follow me around and I have on occasions had a tribal gathering of them in my garden. Does this mean I possess some feline qualities, am I fully human? And what about the people who undergo body modifications to look like more like animals than humans? for instance the Cat Man and Lizard Man, could they be classed as more animal than human.

Also the more you tell somebody ( me ) not to do something, the more they ( me ) want to do it!

So what would happen if I ate the sample myself?, Would I be undoubtedly sick as I expect or would I sprout whiskers of my own and start purring in front of a nice warm fire?

Cheshire Cat & White Rabbit

I neglected to actually eat the cat food but remembered this picture from a fancy dress party I attended with my brother, could this be the future if mankind was to eat cat and rabbit food marked 'Not For Human Consumption'? 

Would we all turn into our pets?

If you could be any animal, what would you be?

The difference between cats and dogs - a 3 year olds perspective ( A.K.A Kids say the funniest things part 2 )

Let me set the background to this.  My mum has been great at helping hubby bring up Squiggle whilst I have been recovering from my pancreatitis, she has Squiggle one night a week during the week and did have him most weekends. Unfortunately time at Grandma's has brought some bad habits, the latest being that Squiggle tries to lick his plate clean like my dad does, but that's not relevant, what is relevant is that we have a "defective" cat called Leo. Leo is a rescue cat who has been with us for nearly 5 years. He isn't a full cat on account of him having no tail. Nobody knows what happened to it but he does quite suit not having one, I don't think he is at all bothered by not having one.

The cat with no tail!

Anyway back to the story, whilst looking after Squiggle and when changing his nappies and going through potty training  my mum used to refer to him as Willy Wet Tail! As Squiggle has grown this has stuck with him, and now he quite innocently calls his willy, his tail. This was all fine, until one day he asked "mummy, you got a tail?" He's only three and I didn't really want to be explaining the facts of life and the birds and bees to him, but what could I do? So I sat him down and we had a conversation about boys and girls and how they were different. He asked questions about grandma, grandpa, daddy, in fact every family member, so he now knows who is a boy and who is a girl.

He was quite happy with this for several weeks, then last night, out of the blue, he promptly announced that he now knows the difference between cats and dogs! Dogs have bum tails and cats don't!!

I think another little chat is due!

Put My Bottom Out! ( A.K.A kids say the funniest things part 1 )

I settled down yesterday afternoon to watch a spot of TV with Squiggle and decided to watch Tinga Tinga Tales. It's a cartoon which tells stories of how the animals came to be as they are - ie, why elephant has a long nose, why does hare hop and why is Zebra striped. Yesterday was the story of how Baboon came to have a bare bottom.

Baboon was a trickster, constantly playing tricks on all the other animals, the animals came to refer to her as a naughty monkey but she protested that she wasn't a monkey but a baboon. One day the animals had had enough and decided to get their own back by playing a trick of their own. They lured her to the top of a mountain with the promise of a yummy egg, when she got to the top of the mountain Snake held the egg out for Baboon, but Baboon overstretched and consequently skidded down the mountain on her... bottom, by the time she got to the foot of the mountain her poor bottom was on fire and as all the other animals stood watching she cried out " Don't just stand there, help put my bottom out" but by the time the fire was extinguished all the hair had gone and that is why Baboon has a bare bottom.

I don't know who laughed more - Squiggle at the funny cartoon he was watching or me at what was happening. Unfortunately Squiggle has a remarkable memory and can recall things he has seen or heard only once. Moving onto today and our little shopping trip to the supermarket, Squiggle was running amok in the aisles and I decided to just stand still and wait for him to calm down when out of the blue he shouted at the top of his voice - "Don't just stand there mummy, put my bottom out"

Well my mum and grandma's faces were classic, we all howled with laughter whilst I got disapproving looks and tuts from the older customers. I can't wait for the next embarrassing instalment, I'm getting quite used to them now!