National Awkward Moments Day

Barely a day goes by where I don't say or do anything or be involved with something awkward, so I was so glad to learn that today is National Awkward Moments Day, so I can celebrate myself and all my awkward moments!

I could write a book about my awkward moments, but this is the future, and in the future, we write blogs. So I did and now I want to revisit some of my old blog posts and highlight my favourite awkward moments.

 There's the times where I turn up wearing the same clothes as my friends, my boss or just complete strangers at a wedding.

Then there's the awkward moments created by my son just by asking or saying the most "innocent things" at the most inappropriate time.

It doesn't matter whether I am in a supermarket, or at a funeral, awkward moments have a habit of finding me.

These are just some of the awkward moments I have written about, there's still time to be caught off guard with my skirt tucked in my knickers, or walking around with toilet paper stuck to my shoe, or even sneezing and farting at the same time whilst sat in the dining room of a B&B in Great Yarmouth, now that was awkward, but that story is for another day.

Do you care to share any of your awkward moment stories?

Lessons in Life #1 - Don't laugh at a funeral

Recently I learnt a very important lesson, and that is, that it's highly inappropriate to laugh at a funeral. It's not my fault - honest ( it never is )!

I totally blame a good friend of mine, not mentioning names, but they know who they are, and also the inventor of the auto correct predictive text.

It all started when my good friend hurt themselves so being the kind caring person I am I suggested that they put a bag of dozen peas on their injury to calm the swelling, yes you read that right, this time I did intentionally put that, but at the time I meant frozen peas.
Obviously they wanted to know what good 12 peas would do, I have no idea, I am not medically or botanically trained but I do know laughter is the best medicine, and thus the day was then spent with pea related jokes being passed back and forth.

The next day I sadly had to attend a funeral. It was a lovely ceremony, the Reverend made things light hearted telling stories about the deceased which was all fine and dandy, unfortunately he had a bit of an accent, so some of his words where slightly mispronounced and misinterpreted. Things were going so well until near the end, when he wished peas on earth and peas be with you. At this point my mother and I burst into tears and started shaking uncontrollably, no not with grief, but with laughter. My dad shot us both a look and we just sat there feeling like 2 naughty school children waiting for assembly to be over !

All I can say is that I am glad there was no mention of a potato - but that's a whole different story!!

Uh oh, they're at it again!! ( A.K.A Kids say the funniest things part 4 )

The more I share my funny stories with friends the more I get told about their children, so here is a little collection of anecdotes from friends, feel free to add your own funny stories in the comment box and they might make the next edition!!!

Firstly Squiggle has been using his initiative. We went out the other day and had set off down the street. When we got to the bottom of the hill he asked if the big building with lots of windows was a hotel. I told him it was an old peoples home and explained that when people got old and needed looking after they would sometimes move to an old peoples home. "Hmmm" said Squiggle his mind clearly thinking about this, "Shouldn't daddy live there now - he's old"!!!!

Last month Squiggle had gone shopping with my auntie and grandma, whilst at the checkout he exclaimed that he needed the toilet and set off. My grandma followed him and saw him talking to a member of staff at the toilet door. What are you doing? they asked - "Going to the toilet" he replied. "Where's your daddy?" - "He's at work", "Where's your mummy?" - "Oh she's at home in bed!!!" - Please bear in mind this was at dinner time, and believe me I was up - honestly!!!

Next a friend of mine was telling me about how her 4 year daughter had caught sight of her in the bath and had innocently asked "Mummy why do your boobies point down and mine point up? will mine go like that when I'm older?"

Thanks to Kelly for this one.

Evie says the funniest things. Latest is that as you know she's a little blondie and I have dark hair, I said to her that when she gets older she may well go dark and look more like me to which she replied 'I'm not being racist but I really don't like dark hair, I'm staying blonde'  She once said 'Mom you know those people who don't eat meat, what are they called, lesbitarions? Well I'm not one of them as I like chicken nuggets' I couldn't stop laughing xxx

Thanks to Nancy for this one

My son Aaron told me that the titanic was sunk by an ice cube and he also says he is handbdextrous not ambidextrous ( as in both handed).

Thanks to Josie for this one

Molly said to me on way to playgroup on Friday in the car grandma look I've got 4 fingers up I said I can't look I'm driving I've got to keep my eyes on the road, she said grandma your eyes don't go on the road they stay in your head you mean you have to look at the road!! Well that put me straight didn't it!

Kerrie over at Wife Mum Student Bum had this to say:
Alice (2) said yesterday "Mummy you have a big tummy don't you...have you got a baby in there?" Cheeky bugger x

Emma at Emma's Little World
We were in Devon last week on holiday on and went crabbing. When we got one Ben put it into the bucket and said, he jumped in quickly cos he thought it was the proper sea!! And it wasn't the proper sea, it was my sea in the bucket!!


Thanks to Tim for this one:
On a drive to our local Tesco and whilst stuck behind an elderly couple... I may have muttered something along the lines of "bloody old people, get a move on". During the same trip to Tesco, whilst doing our shop. A lovely elderly couple were cooing over the boys, when our Callum chirps up with the line "bloody old people, get a move on". I nearly dropped through the floor with embarrassment.


Thanks to everybody for their input, please feel free to add your own stories via the comment box, on my Facebook page or email me. I look forward to hearing what your little one's have been saying!

Innuendo Bingo or Cake, Anyone?

I've taken to having the odd dabble at bingo on a Tuesday night, but alas my luck hasn't turned up to win me a cash prize. However today I have won giggles and embarrassment whilst unwittingly playing innuendo bingo. A friend hinted she would like a cake for her birthday, she had seen a minion from Despicable me, dressed in pink dungarees and a tutu, so I said I wouldn't mind having a go at making it for her.

This is what she wants! - I have not made this.

My first problem was I needed a small tin, so whilst looking for a cake tin, I was offered an 8 inch but said I would be happy with just a 4 inch, cue stunned silence followed by sudden realisation of what was said.

HOUSE!!!!

I did manage to find a small enough cake tin but was worried that she would be disappointed as it wouldn't be as grand as the one she'd seen, so I was about to text my friend and ask if she would be happy with a 6" 1 eyed minion, but had to stop myself because the tears had started to roll down my face!

HOUSE!!!

This was all done before teatime, and without the influence of alcohol, who knows what I'm going to be like later!!!

I Just Smiled Politely, Paid & Left! ( A.K.A kids say the funniest things part 3 )

I've had a couple of moments over the past week when I've just wished the ground would open up and swallow me, all courtesy of my darling son.

First we went to put petrol in the car at the supermarket in town. I filled the car up and took Squiggle inside to pay where he took one look at the lady serving and shouted at her - "Why are you sad? Why don't you smile? Why you not happy?"  I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me but instead I just smiled politely, paid and left. I'm not mentioning which supermarket it is, but they have a reputation around here for having slow and miserable staff. I hope she smiles next time.

Next we went into a shop in town. The person behind us in the queue was a cross dresser. Squiggle took one look and asked " Why are you wearing a dress?, Are you a man or a girl? Do you have a tail? ( willy )" I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow, but instead I just smiled politely, paid and left!

Finally we were in the toilets in the shopping centre, having to share a cubicle as I didn't want him wandering off, and unfortunately it was that time of the month, Squiggle caught sight of my knickers as I was taking a pee, "Mummy, why you got a nappy? are you a baby? I'm not a baby I'm a big boy, You wear nappies, you wear nappies" well yes you've guessed it, I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me, but instead I flushed, smiled politely at the strangers queuing, washed my hands and left!

The difference between cats and dogs - a 3 year olds perspective ( A.K.A Kids say the funniest things part 2 )

Let me set the background to this.  My mum has been great at helping hubby bring up Squiggle whilst I have been recovering from my pancreatitis, she has Squiggle one night a week during the week and did have him most weekends. Unfortunately time at Grandma's has brought some bad habits, the latest being that Squiggle tries to lick his plate clean like my dad does, but that's not relevant, what is relevant is that we have a "defective" cat called Leo. Leo is a rescue cat who has been with us for nearly 5 years. He isn't a full cat on account of him having no tail. Nobody knows what happened to it but he does quite suit not having one, I don't think he is at all bothered by not having one.

The cat with no tail!

Anyway back to the story, whilst looking after Squiggle and when changing his nappies and going through potty training  my mum used to refer to him as Willy Wet Tail! As Squiggle has grown this has stuck with him, and now he quite innocently calls his willy, his tail. This was all fine, until one day he asked "mummy, you got a tail?" He's only three and I didn't really want to be explaining the facts of life and the birds and bees to him, but what could I do? So I sat him down and we had a conversation about boys and girls and how they were different. He asked questions about grandma, grandpa, daddy, in fact every family member, so he now knows who is a boy and who is a girl.

He was quite happy with this for several weeks, then last night, out of the blue, he promptly announced that he now knows the difference between cats and dogs! Dogs have bum tails and cats don't!!

I think another little chat is due!

My Mad March Marathon: Days 10, 11 & 12

Wow, I cannot believe it's Wednesday already. Where is this week going? I think all this exercise is finally catching me up, all I've done for the last 2 nights is sleep!

Had quite a few miles to cover today to make up for the last few days, and as the day was nice and sunny I decided to put my bike in the garden and peddle away. It seemed a good idea until I remembered it was bin day and then had to suffer the embarrassment of the neighbours looking and giggling at me as they wheeled their wheelie bins back into their own gardens!

Evil Goose is coming!

This afternoon I took Squiddle up to the reservoir to the feed the ducks, all was going well until the Evil Goose came along and started honking at us. There's lots of geese up there but there's only one that flies in and starts making a racket until he is stuffed full.
Now I am scared of geese after an encounter I had when I was a little girl with a flock of them. My mum had taken me to the park to feed the ducks, but we were cornered by at least a dozen geese and attacked and chased by them. It has made both of us petrified of geese ever since, so I had to put on a brave face as I didn't want my fear to come across to Squiddle, he picks up on things too easy and then starts to copy, so the last thing I need is to make him frightened of geese.

After tea, I had another session on the bike, but had to bring it inside because it had gone cold and dark in the garden!
And now I am already tucked up in bed ready to drop off to sleep. Everything hurts tonight, my legs feel rock hard, my shoulders ache but I can nearly get back into my size 14 jeans so will keep chanting the mantra - no pain - no gain!

I have done a total of 3 hours on my bike today and covered 47.28 miles / 76.10 km

Monthly target - 1308.05 km
Cycled today -       76.10 km
Total cycled -        300.55 km
Left to go -          1007.5 km

Are you a credit card tart?

I'm a bit of a credit card tart in that I like to chop and change and swap balances on my credit cards in order to keep the APR down, and try to eventually get them paid off. Unfortunately like many promiscuous people, my past has finally caught up with me!

A few years ago I did a bit of swapping onto what I thought was a lifetime balance transfer of 5.4%, all was going well until my credit card statement landed on my doorstep this morning and I nearly had heart failure. At a second glance I thought this cannot be right, they've made a mistake and duly rang to tell them so. I felt smug sitting there waiting for the call to be answered, that feeling soon wore off and embarrassment took over as I was put in my place. The promotional rate was only valid for 2 years and had now expired, so the regular rate of 28.9% !!! would take effect from next month.

Panic set in because I hadn't got another card spare to tart my money off to, and there was no way I could afford to pay 5x more interest than what I had been used to. By my rough calculations it would have been equal to my current minimum payments which means I would probably never pay the darn thing off.

Thankfully Mr Homer came to the rescue this evening and we managed to shift the debt onto a new lifetime balance transfer of 6.9%, I'm gutted that it's more than what I've been paying but so thankful that it's a heck of a lot less than what I could be paying.

So lesson learnt, if you are going to be promiscuous with your credit card tarting make sure you take precautions and check the fine print before jumping into bed with a new credit card provider!

Put My Bottom Out! ( A.K.A kids say the funniest things part 1 )

I settled down yesterday afternoon to watch a spot of TV with Squiggle and decided to watch Tinga Tinga Tales. It's a cartoon which tells stories of how the animals came to be as they are - ie, why elephant has a long nose, why does hare hop and why is Zebra striped. Yesterday was the story of how Baboon came to have a bare bottom.

Baboon was a trickster, constantly playing tricks on all the other animals, the animals came to refer to her as a naughty monkey but she protested that she wasn't a monkey but a baboon. One day the animals had had enough and decided to get their own back by playing a trick of their own. They lured her to the top of a mountain with the promise of a yummy egg, when she got to the top of the mountain Snake held the egg out for Baboon, but Baboon overstretched and consequently skidded down the mountain on her... bottom, by the time she got to the foot of the mountain her poor bottom was on fire and as all the other animals stood watching she cried out " Don't just stand there, help put my bottom out" but by the time the fire was extinguished all the hair had gone and that is why Baboon has a bare bottom.

I don't know who laughed more - Squiggle at the funny cartoon he was watching or me at what was happening. Unfortunately Squiggle has a remarkable memory and can recall things he has seen or heard only once. Moving onto today and our little shopping trip to the supermarket, Squiggle was running amok in the aisles and I decided to just stand still and wait for him to calm down when out of the blue he shouted at the top of his voice - "Don't just stand there mummy, put my bottom out"

Well my mum and grandma's faces were classic, we all howled with laughter whilst I got disapproving looks and tuts from the older customers. I can't wait for the next embarrassing instalment, I'm getting quite used to them now!