My Life: The last few months

Guess who's back?

Oh what an awful couple of months I've had, my health took a nosedive and I'm being monitored with borderline diabetes, I've been too tired to do anything so my weight has ballooned to nearly 16 stone! (I feel sick with myself writing that). However on the plus side I had my ESA appeal last month and it was thrown out within 15 minutes, the doctor and judge just couldn't believe that I had been deemed fit for work by Atos and couldn't apologise enough for what I had been through - even though it wasn't the judge or doctor's fault.

I definitely think the last 7 months of stress and worry over the whole benefits process is what caused me to be poorly. Just to recap, I received my form back in April last year and duly filled it in listing all my ailments, aches and pains. I was called for a medical in July and deemed fit for work and forced to sign on in September. Despite my doctor issuing sick notes I was put in the position of having to choose whether or not to submit them, you see you are only allowed one extended period of sickness whilst claiming JSA which is 13 weeks, after that you either sign on and seek work or you don't sign on and try to live off, well, nothing, foodbanks or hand me outs. Child benefits are not enough to live off and they are for Squiggle, not me, so I had to seek "proper" work every week, apply for jobs which I knew full well I wouldn't be able to do and go to work focused interviews which just seemed to make me feel even more useless than I already do. I say proper in quotation marks as I've tried my hand at being self employed in the past but that's even harder when you don't know from one day to the next how you'll feel. I felt guilty taking on jobs and then having to cancel at the last minute as I was too poorly to do them.

I have had enough with the stigma of being labelled lazy, work shy, bone idle, as well as people commenting on how lucky or good it must be for me not to work. Well maybe they are the lucky ones, lucky enough to be able to get up every day without fail, lucky enough to leave the house and go to work without feelings of anxiety and fear of embarrassing themselves in public, lucky enough to earn a wage that will allow them to live a more comfortable life than me, lucky enough to eat without being sick or suffering from exploding diarrhoea, lucky enough to not have to shovel pills down their necks like sweeties. Yes I get to stay at home, but I'm usually bedridden with chronic pain, or spending time hovering over the toilet not knowing which end will evacuate first. I make the most of the days that I do feel well, but then end up regretting it for days after as my body catches up with itself. I worry that I'm a crap friend as I don't make plans to go out or if I do I cancel them at the last minute, I am really grateful that my friends still think to include me in their invites even if I never go. I worry that I'm a crap mum, because I have upset Squiggle sometimes by cancelling planned days out, it breaks my heart when I hear him say "but mum, you promised we would go here" or "mum, you're no fun, you never take me anywhere" and I worry that this will only get worse the older he gets.

But, now that the appeal is over and done with, I guess that I have one less thing to worry about, so now it's time to concentrate on the parts of my health that I can do something about, my weight.

I am going to take the plunge and sign up to Slimming World tomorrow, so be prepared for lots of Instagram pictures of meals, a lot more meal planning and hopefully some positive posts about my weight loss.

 I'm a great believer that a good mind set will make me feel better in myself even if I'm not actually better in myself!

Thanks to all my readers who are still here following me, I know my posts are few and far between but it means a lot to me that you are still interested in what I have to say.
xxx

Low fibre diets are not for me

Hello, hello, hello, I'm still here and still on the low fibre diet, but my word have I suffered these last few weeks. I have had absolutely no get up and go, I've found myself wanting to sleep all the time and since starting out on it 8 weeks ago, I've gained a whopping 20lbs in weight!

I'll be seeing the dietitian again this week and will be demanding a weight loss plan. I'm currently stuck between a rock and a hard place, yes the low fibre diet has eased ( not cleared ) my I.B.S symptoms but has done so at the detriment to my weight and general well being. Personally I think I'd rather have the problems before the diet rather than what I'm contending with now.

I've done some research into low fibre diets and the main negative issue is weight gain, which with further research is caused by overeating due to not feeling full because of the lack of fibre. This is certainly true of me, I've never felt as constantly hungry and ready to eat my own body weight in food as I have done lately.

I know winter plays a part in the struggles of diet and weight loss as it is human nature to keep warm when cold and what better way than by keeping and storing body fat. So in winter we do tend to eat and indulge in comforting stodgy foods.

So what now? Well I am going for a review with the dietitian this week so hopefully we can sort out the eating side, and I'm hoping that we will get an early spring ( or at least a warmer end to winter ) so I can get out running again. If not I am seriously considering reliving my Mad March Marathon and getting the old exercise bike out and peddling 26 miles a day. I have a few hours to sleep on the matter before March starts tomorrow!

Watch this space.

Dear Me, I'm sorry

I read this post that a fellow blogger Steph at Tub on the Run wrote last month apologising for not looking after herself properly and felt inspired to write my own after standing on the scales this morning and feeling my heart fall out of the bottom of feet with disappointment.

Dear Me,

I'm so sorry for what I have put you through these last few months. Last year we did really well, we cut down eating crap and started exercising. Every weekend we would go out jogging and even though it was hard in the beginning we were soon running 10 - 13 miles every Saturday and Sunday morning. We might have had a few scrapes, falls and pulled muscles but we did enjoy it.

We also cut down eating crap and within a few moths we'd lost 2 and a half stone and looked and felt fantastic. Yes I had taken up smoking but I was under a lot of stress with the separation.

Now nearly 12 months on and I haven't been kind to you. I no longer go running, the healthy eating has stopped and I'm still smoking. Thankfully I don't drink a lot of alcohol but I do have a nasty Coke habit -  ( Coca-Cola  the fizzy drink not the other type of coke!). The last few weeks for some reason I have found it perfectly acceptable to stuff all kinds of crap food into you despite you telling me that you don't want or can't have any more. You have been screaming at me to stop but I've been like some mad possessed woman hell bent on cramming in as much as I could. 

I stood on the scales this morning, I knew what the outcome was going to be due to the fact that most of my clothes don't fit me anymore, remember all those pretty things we bought last year?, the nice dresses, the smaller sized jeans and the cute tops? well they don't fit very well at the moment, so this is having a knock on effect on your mental state, my self indulgence is now making you feel down in the dumps, I am truly sorry for doing this to you.

Well today was the last straw, the shock of standing on the scales and the horror of not even fitting into my fat jeans has motivated me to do something about it.

So body, mind and soul be prepared for a few tough months as we kick things back into touch. It's going to be hard cutting down on the sugar and fat and takeaways but it needs to be done. So today is day one, the fitness apps will be reopened on my phone, the Vivofit will be dusted off and used to track my daily steps and we will be calorie counting again!

I promise that I will look after you this time, and once again I'm sorry.

Love me.

x

Flat chested and arse clapping a.k.a starting to run again!

The sun is shining which means only one thing, time to ditch the winter woollies and get the summer clothes out, cue mad dash for fake tan to cover up the corned beef legs, positive attitude towards endless weeks of dieting and living off lettuce leaves and making an attempt to get back into running again.

Firstly I'm glad to say most of my running clothes still fit in a way, despite the 20lb weight gain since New Years Day! ( it was a shock to me too! ) The trainers have still got a few good miles left in them and I'm now armed with a Garmin Vivofit and a new phone which won't die on me mid run.
However the bra is a little constricting, the T-shirt fits a bit more snug and I won't even say what's going on with the lyrca leggings ( ok you asked for it - camel toe and butt munchers anyone??? )

Being a curvy girl I have always had problems with bouncing body parts, mainly boobs, bum and tum. So tonight I have strapped myself in, I look very flat chested but safe in the knowledge I will survive without getting 2 black eyes, my tummy is slightly held in but my arse is free to wobble about behind me..... which made me think of this.

Hopefully all that clapping will spur me on in the right direction as will my new running partner. A friend of mine has decided to join me, it will be interesting to see how we get on, mainly because she is healthier, thinner and lighter than me so can no doubt run faster and further, but it might just be what I need.

We were going to join our local running track because they are doing the NHS couch to 5K but sadly we aren't always free on the days they hold the sessions, so instead we are just going to jog along the canal, round the park and anywhere else that takes our fancy.

So here I go, I'll let you know how we get on.

Ta ta for now.

A little moan about weight loss

Firstly I am very proud of myself let me make that bit clear, I have recently lost 2 stone in weight and feel a hell of a lot better about myself, I've turned into a little bit of a fitness freak and spend most weekends "running"* a good 10 miles at a time, something that I never envisioned doing when I was a fat chubster at school, choosing to avoid PE at all costs in exchange for a walk to the local bakery for pies, butties and cakes ( mmmm cake ) for my dinner.

However, when I was heavier, I had a cracking set of boobs, and plenty of junk in my trunk, so my moan is all about losing my assets.

Firstly where have my tits gone? My once pretty underwear used to show them off to their full potential and now my bras are half empty with saggy boobs cowering away in them. Yes I know I can buy new underwear but that's not the point. I hadn't long bought new matching bra and knickers and by god I want to get my monies worth out them.
Then there's my arse, or rather, there isn't my arse, it's gone, my jeans just hang off the bottom of my back, only held in place with a worn out belt with so many added notches to it I'm surprised it can still call itself a belt! And don't get me started on the rest of my wardrobe. Nothing fits right, jumpers are too baggy, dresses drown me, even my shoes are too bloody big,

The added irony is that I still have a bit more to lose, so what's a girl to do? Until I have achieved my goal - I could just spend my day living in onesies right???

I don't mind wearing them at night to keep warm, or even during the day when it's fancy dress, but I don't think even I'm mad enough to wear them just for the fun of it**

So I guess I'm just going to have to behave myself and hope that Santa brings me a new wardrobe for Xmas, though if all else fails, I'm sure the amount of food consumed on Christmas Day will make at least one item of clothing fit again!

*I run until I get injured which happens quite often, then I shuffle along at a quickened pace until I cave in and walk the rest of the way!

**well maybe just a little bit!

My Mad March Marathon Challenge: Days 21 - 24

Day 21

Just a quick update for today, I managed to do a quick 13 km in half an hour!

Monthly target -            1308.05 km
Cycled today -                         13 km
Walked today -                         0 km
Total cycled/walked -      523.05 km
Left to go -                           785 km

Day 22 & 23

Saturday didn't bring any cycling and nor did Sunday - why not - well it was my BIRTHDAY!!! and I for one am not going to exert myself on my birthday now am I?!?!?

On the plus side, I certainly managed to get fit for 35, and have a lot more energy. I've also manage to squeeze into my size 14 jeans, still can't quite fasten them, but hey I can get them on!

Monthly target -            1308.05 km
Cycled today -                          0 km
Walked today -                         0 km
Total cycled/walked -      523.05 km
Left to go -                           785 km

Day 24

So as the weekend wasn't fulfilled with miles I now need to crack on, catch up and finish my challenge. I've only got a week left to do it in.

Monthly target -            1308.05 km
Cycled today -                         72 km
Walked today -                         0 km
Total cycled/walked -      595.05 km
Left to go -                           713 km

so arrrgghhh!! - I've now to do over 100 km a day! - which is at least 4 hours cycling! ouch my poor bottom! But I'm going to do it!

My Mad March Marathon Challenge: Days 8 & 9

To start off with I'll just do a quick update about yesterday, I thought I'd set my GPS tracker off  whilst I wandered around the Cake International Show at Event City and try to rack up some miles by foot, unfortunately this was an epic fail as my GPS failed to track me!, so despite being on my feet for well over 5 hours it only tracked the distance from the car to the event hall and back again!

So today I have had to make up the miles on my bike again.

I had a vigorous session this morning clocking up 25.65 km / 15.97 miles in an hour and tonight I've done a further 26.80 km / 16.65 miles in an hour.

Pleasantly on the weight side of things since starting this last Saturday I've lost 4lbs and 2cm off my waist, hips and boobs! My tight fitting jeans are fitting a lot better today but best off all on the BMI chart I'm no longer classed as obese - I'm just overweight now!

After my illness!

My weight has always been a bother to me, I was an active child but during a short stay in hospital I was spoiled by milkshakes and chocolate and soon became hooked on them. My weight went up and down over the years till I eventually ballooned to a whopping 18 stone when I was pregnant. ( I only actually gained 5lbs during my pregnancy! )  I then lost over 10 stone through being ill with pancreatitis and could stand in one leg of my old jeans!

 I was put on a high calorie diet to try and gain some weight back and it worked but over the last 3 years I have gained more than I needed to and actually ended up being classed as obese again! My mission is to try and change my eating habits and cut out the high calorie eating and start exercising again. ( Even though I was extremely overweight I was always active ) I have a couple of apps on my phone which are helping me to record my calorie intake and this challenge is helping me kick-start the exercise regime. It's all going in the right direction for me to be fit for 35!


Monthly target - 1308.05 km
Cycled today -        52.45 km
Total cycled -        224.45 km
Left to go -          1083.60 km

My Mad March Marathon Challenge: Day 5

Had a quiet day at home today, Squiggle was certainly full of beans this morning but he has been asleep all afternoon, I think he must be going through a growing phase. All he does these days is eat and sleep ( must be getting practice for when he is a teenager! ) So today has been perfect for me to get back on my exercise bike, catch up on my peddling and also on one or two programmes that I had recorded.

So today I have done 46.30 km / 28.77 miles in just over 2 hours, not bad. Even though I've only been at this for 5 days ( or 4 if you count yesterdays non effort ) my jeans did feel a bit looser today. I'm eager to weigh and measure myself but don't want to until I've done a week. I've been obsessed in the past weighing myself every day and it's not a good idea at all because weight differs every day so one day you could be up and the other be down.

Monthly target - 1308.05 km
Cycled today -         46.30 km
Total cycled -        149.90 km
Left to go -          1158.15 km

My Mad March Marathon Challenge: Day 1

OK, so I woke up this morning bright and early at 7.30 am and promptly went back to sleep!

After a fun filled family day I finally got home and dusted off the exercise bike ready to begin my challenge.
I checked my weight and vital statistics*, put my favourite programme on the telly and then set off peddling.

I was so busy watching the TV I hardly paid any attention to what I was doing and managed to cycle 44.10 km ( 27.402 miles )** in 2 hours 12 mins 32 secs. - yay go me!

Monthly target - 1308.05 km
Cycled today -         44.10 km
Total cycled -           44.10 km
Left to go -          1263.95 km

*I am keeping my vitals a secret at the moment, depending on how well I do I might share them with you later in the month!
** My total calculations are in km because that is what my bike registers, but I will post the miles and km cycled in my main write up.

My Mad March Marathon Challenge

OK, so last June I took part in Juneathon, a fitness challenge where you jogged, logged and blogged every day for the month of June. The challenge also ran in January under the name of Janathon, unfortunately I wasn't able to take part due to my operation, so in order to make up for this I have decided to do a challenge of my own and call it Mad March Marathon.

Entering the spirit of the aforementioned challenge my aim is to cover 26 miles a day by foot or bike, log my miles, and blog about what I've done.

My ulterior motive behind doing this is to get fit for 35, which I will be in 23 days.

So tomorrow morning, I will weigh and measure myself, get my exercise bike out and attempt to cover 26 miles a day on it. Allowing for the possibility of getting saddle sore, I will take into account any miles I've walked and if I can do more on one day to have a rest on the next then I'll allow that too - my challenge - my rules right?

So as my bike only works in km let's do some maths,

marathon = 26 miles 385 yards = 42.195 km
31 days in March = 31 x 42.195 km = 1308.045 km , ( might as well make it 1308.05 km )

Best get to bed then, I've got a lot of peddling to do tomorrow!

#Juneathon - Day 8, weight loss & magpies

Well the first thing I did this morning was to weigh and measure myself to see if I had actually lost anything during my first week of Juneathon. I was quite nervous about standing on the scales because I didn't know what to expect. I was pleasantly surprised with a 3lb weight loss and 3cm off my boobs and waist considering the large Pina Colada I'd had the night before and the large meal on Wednesday I thought that was pretty good going.

As it was very sunny, I decided to slap the sun lotion on and play with Squiggle in the garden, so today's exercise was just plenty of running around enjoying the sun an fresh air.

Decided to finish the day off with our first BBQ of the year. Now normally I'm led to believe that BBQ's are Man things, the women tend to do all the running around and preparing the salads and buns and then Man just comes burns the meat and leaves. Not in our household, I wouldn't trust Mr Homer as far as I could throw him with a BBQ, so it was all down to me, and, well, it was a success. I can report no food poisoning as of yet!

Whilst having our food we were entertained by 2 magpies trying to attack a cat, they were at it the other night but I didn't have my phone to hand but luckily I did tonight so I've managed to capture a little video of them taunting it!