Sunday, 4 January 2015
Saturday, 27 December 2014
Lessons in Life #1 - Don't laugh at a funeral
Recently I learnt a very important lesson, and that is, that it's highly inappropriate to laugh at a funeral. It's not my fault - honest ( it never is )!
I totally blame a good friend of mine, not mentioning names, but they know who they are, and also the inventor of the auto correct predictive text.
It all started when my good friend hurt themselves so being the kind caring person I am I suggested that they put a bag of dozen peas on their injury to calm the swelling, yes you read that right, this time I did intentionally put that, but at the time I meant frozen peas.
Obviously they wanted to know what good 12 peas would do, I have no idea, I am not medically or botanically trained but I do know laughter is the best medicine, and thus the day was then spent with pea related jokes being passed back and forth.
The next day I sadly had to attend a funeral. It was a lovely ceremony, the Reverend made things light hearted telling stories about the deceased which was all fine and dandy, unfortunately he had a bit of an accent, so some of his words where slightly mispronounced and misinterpreted. Things were going so well until near the end, when he wished peas on earth and peas be with you. At this point my mother and I burst into tears and started shaking uncontrollably, no not with grief, but with laughter. My dad shot us both a look and we just sat there feeling like 2 naughty school children waiting for assembly to be over !
All I can say is that I am glad there was no mention of a potato - but that's a whole different story!!
I totally blame a good friend of mine, not mentioning names, but they know who they are, and also the inventor of the auto correct predictive text.
It all started when my good friend hurt themselves so being the kind caring person I am I suggested that they put a bag of dozen peas on their injury to calm the swelling, yes you read that right, this time I did intentionally put that, but at the time I meant frozen peas.
Obviously they wanted to know what good 12 peas would do, I have no idea, I am not medically or botanically trained but I do know laughter is the best medicine, and thus the day was then spent with pea related jokes being passed back and forth.
The next day I sadly had to attend a funeral. It was a lovely ceremony, the Reverend made things light hearted telling stories about the deceased which was all fine and dandy, unfortunately he had a bit of an accent, so some of his words where slightly mispronounced and misinterpreted. Things were going so well until near the end, when he wished peas on earth and peas be with you. At this point my mother and I burst into tears and started shaking uncontrollably, no not with grief, but with laughter. My dad shot us both a look and we just sat there feeling like 2 naughty school children waiting for assembly to be over !
All I can say is that I am glad there was no mention of a potato - but that's a whole different story!!
Wednesday, 24 December 2014
Single At Christmas - Bah Humbug!
Normally I love Christmas, but I feel a little different about it this year. Why? well I separated from my husband 4 months ago so this year is my first Christmas on my own in over 13 years, yes I'll have family around on Christmas Day and will spend it being surrounded by people who love me, but I have a feeling that I'm still going to feel so lonely.
The culmination of this years events have led me to spend today crying my heart out, and to make things worse, my favourite Christmas songs just seem to be rubbing my face in it. So let's analyse them shall we?
Mud says - Try to imagine a house that's not a home,
Try to imagine a Christmas all alone
Well mate - My house is slowly falling apart so it's not technically a home at the moment, and I don't need to imagine a Christmas all alone, because I'm having one!
Mr Noddy Holder of Slade asks - Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall?
Hell no!!!! - Don't you know it's taken me the best of part of 8 months to sodding well decorate my living room, I'll be damned if I'm putting pin holes into my nice new wallpaper!
Wizard wishes it could be Christmas everyday! - Pass me the anti depressants now, it's made me feel a little bit sad and lonely this year so I couldn't cope with having Christmas every day.
Darlene Love sang - Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas, well it looks like I'm a big fat nobody* then, because hey guess what - I am alone this Christmas!
Shakin' Stevens said - Time for parties and celebrations
People dancing all night long
Time for presents
and exchanging kisses
Time for singing Christmas songs
Well sorry Shakey - I'm not in the mood to party, and there's nothing much to celebrate, as for presents and exchanging kisses, it'll probably just be a case of exchanging presents in the Boxing Day sales and actually getting something I really want for Christmas!
Michael Bolton sings Have yourself a merry Little Christmas - why don't you feck off?
He then makes another appearance on my playlist saying -
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why - go on then, tell me why I shouldn't cry, I can if I bloody well want to. Like I said earlier, why don't you just feck off!
I think The Pogues sum things up perfectly - You scumbag you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, happy your arse I pray God it's our last!**
I could go on and on and on and on, there's about 100 songs on my playlist but I think you kind of get the idea about just how a first Christmas alone can make people feel. Despite my current mood, I do wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas, and would encourage you to drop an old friend or family member an email, text or message, just to let them know they are thought about at this time of year.
Mud says - Try to imagine a house that's not a home,
Try to imagine a Christmas all alone
Well mate - My house is slowly falling apart so it's not technically a home at the moment, and I don't need to imagine a Christmas all alone, because I'm having one!
Mr Noddy Holder of Slade asks - Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall?
Hell no!!!! - Don't you know it's taken me the best of part of 8 months to sodding well decorate my living room, I'll be damned if I'm putting pin holes into my nice new wallpaper!
Wizard wishes it could be Christmas everyday! - Pass me the anti depressants now, it's made me feel a little bit sad and lonely this year so I couldn't cope with having Christmas every day.
Darlene Love sang - Nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas, well it looks like I'm a big fat nobody* then, because hey guess what - I am alone this Christmas!
Shakin' Stevens said - Time for parties and celebrations
People dancing all night long
Time for presents
and exchanging kisses
Time for singing Christmas songs
Well sorry Shakey - I'm not in the mood to party, and there's nothing much to celebrate, as for presents and exchanging kisses, it'll probably just be a case of exchanging presents in the Boxing Day sales and actually getting something I really want for Christmas!
Michael Bolton sings Have yourself a merry Little Christmas - why don't you feck off?
He then makes another appearance on my playlist saying -
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why - go on then, tell me why I shouldn't cry, I can if I bloody well want to. Like I said earlier, why don't you just feck off!
I think The Pogues sum things up perfectly - You scumbag you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, happy your arse I pray God it's our last!**
I could go on and on and on and on, there's about 100 songs on my playlist but I think you kind of get the idea about just how a first Christmas alone can make people feel. Despite my current mood, I do wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas, and would encourage you to drop an old friend or family member an email, text or message, just to let them know they are thought about at this time of year.
* I would like to state that I am not a big fat nobody owing to the fact I lost a lot of weight this year!!
** I would like to point out that it is an amicable split, and he wasn't a scumbag, maggot or faggot!
** I would like to point out that it is an amicable split, and he wasn't a scumbag, maggot or faggot!
Friday, 28 November 2014
A little moan about weight loss
However, when I was heavier, I had a cracking set of boobs, and plenty of junk in my trunk, so my moan is all about losing my assets.
Firstly where have my tits gone? My once pretty underwear used to show them off to their full potential and now my bras are half empty with saggy boobs cowering away in them. Yes I know I can buy new underwear but that's not the point. I hadn't long bought new matching bra and knickers and by god I want to get my monies worth out them.
Then there's my arse, or rather, there isn't my arse, it's gone, my jeans just hang off the bottom of my back, only held in place with a worn out belt with so many added notches to it I'm surprised it can still call itself a belt! And don't get me started on the rest of my wardrobe. Nothing fits right, jumpers are too baggy, dresses drown me, even my shoes are too bloody big,
The added irony is that I still have a bit more to lose, so what's a girl to do? Until I have achieved my goal - I could just spend my day living in onesies right???
I don't mind wearing them at night to keep warm, or even during the day when it's fancy dress, but I don't think even I'm mad enough to wear them just for the fun of it**So I guess I'm just going to have to behave myself and hope that Santa brings me a new wardrobe for Xmas, though if all else fails, I'm sure the amount of food consumed on Christmas Day will make at least one item of clothing fit again!
*I run until I get injured which happens quite often, then I shuffle along at a quickened pace until I cave in and walk the rest of the way!
**well maybe just a little bit!
Thursday, 13 November 2014
Little Miss Muffet - alternative verses for kids!
So Squiggle came home today singing Little Miss Muffet, and of course he asked what curds and whey were, being the very intelligent mother that I am, I told him it was something to do with cheese. After a quick look on t'internet I found out that it was similar to cottage cheese.
Squiggle asked why didn't the song just say she was eating cheese. I said then it wouldn't rhyme.
Cue a long list of different versions of Little Miss Muffet. These had Squiggle in stitches and I'd like to share them with you!
*Thanks to mycutegraphics.com for the images
Squiggle asked why didn't the song just say she was eating cheese. I said then it wouldn't rhyme.
Cue a long list of different versions of Little Miss Muffet. These had Squiggle in stitches and I'd like to share them with you!
Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet
eating a bowl of cheese,
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
and started to tickle her knees!
Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet
eating a loaf of bread,
Along came a spider he crawled up beside her
and started to dance on her head!
Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet
eating something yum,
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
and started to pinch her bum!
Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet
eating a piece of toast,
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
and said eurgh you've got a bogey up your nose!
Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet
eating a bowl of jelly,
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
and said goodness gracious me, you've got a big belly!
Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet
eating a joint of meat
Along came a spider and sat down beside her
and said phew, you've got smelly feet!
*Thanks to mycutegraphics.com for the images
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